


Falling Should Have Been Harder

by Beauyasha



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:29:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25991371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beauyasha/pseuds/Beauyasha
Summary: It was Jester. It was Jester until it wasn't. A small exploration of moments that led to Beau leaning into her attraction to Yasha.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha
Comments: 9
Kudos: 187





	Falling Should Have Been Harder

**Author's Note:**

> These two have been living rent free in my head since Thursday night so I figured I might as well be productive about it. Mostly explicit canon occurrences but I did take a little artistic liberty that I felt was in the spirit of interactions between Beau/Yasha and Marisha/Ashley.

It was Jester. It was Jester until it wasn’t. A look at the events leading up to Beauregard realizing her attraction to Yasha might be something more. 

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The Nein had finally done it. They had defeated Obann and returned Yasha’s mind to her own control. There wasn’t much processing to be done immediately after; having to convince kings to negotiate with their enemies tends to take a front seat to wading through emotional tsunamis, after all. During their brief break in Rexxentrum Beau wasn’t really sure how to approach Yasha; how could she relate? I mean yeah her dad was a controlling dick, but he hadn’t literally taken her free will and forced her to murder people. Nah, she decided that was better left to Caleb. Beau wasn’t any good with people anyway. She’d probably just make things worse. 

Then there was the pit fight. Beau had still been riding a bit of the high from winning her match against that old guy when Yasha entered the ring to fight the champion. She was excited to watch her fight. Her feelings for Jester didn’t mean she didn’t have eyes, and Yasha was hot. The only thing hotter than Yasha was Yasha in battle, and that fight with the champion promised to be really fucking good. But then Yasha wasn’t raging, and the brawler in Beau combined with her training in perception helped her to see that Yasha also wasn’t really trying to hit Kal. And then Yasha was smiling, and she was falling, and Beau knew that darkness, that self destruction. She had practically written the metaphorical book on how not to cope with things. 

Again, it was Caleb, not Beau who had known what to say to Yasha. It was honestly a little fucking frustrating that he seemed to relate so much better than Beau. That he, despite his trauma and social awkwardness was able to help her friend where she couldn’t. She wasn’t an idiot though, Yasha didn’t need some asshole with no clue trying to help and making things worse, so Beauregard threw herself into helping plan for the negotiations and helping Jester make decorations for Travelercon; any chance to hang out with Jessie was a gift Beau wasn’t going to turn down. 

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They were at Essek’s house and Caleb had finished casting the ritual spell on Nott, and Beau was holding her breath and then nothing happened. Nott was still the same goblin she’d been when they’d met, small, green, and a little crazy. Maybe she’d been like that before though, Beau really had no way to tell. And then she was answering questions, talking about a creepy ass hag lady who had owed a debt to some goblins and repaid it by cursing Nott, and Beau’s insides clenched. No… no it definitely wasn’t… it couldn’t be… nah. But the hairs on the back of Beau’s neck were raised and her heart was pounding out of her chest and she was starting to itch all over, and oh fuck oh fuck this was actually happening. She wasn’t ready. She had thought she had more time before she had to face her father again, before she had to rip open the wounds the Nein had only just helped her heal. They were going to Kamordah. 

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Beau was curled up in the dome, Jessie’s leg wrapped around one of her own when she heard Caleb and Yasha speaking in hushed tones close to the perimeter.  
“I know regret, and I regret, I regret. And unless my intuition is incorrect you do as well.”  
“So, it never goes away?” Beauregard heard Yasha’s voice crack and felt her heart mirror it. Fuck she shouldn’t even be listening to this, this was private, but they were all trapped in a tiny dome and Beau wasn’t exactly able to sleep easy right now.  
“Do you love her?” Wait, what? Love who? Definitely not Beau, I mean she and Caleb were close, but not like that, more like siblings. Couldn’t be Nott, she was married, and Yasha was speaking in the third person… oh. Beau risked a glance down at the blue tiefling asleep next to her. Oh. 

Yeah. Beau didn’t sleep much that night.

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She was going to fucking puke. She couldn’t do this. Even for Nott. She couldn’t. But her hand was reaching for the heavy doorknocker and she was lifting it and letting it go. She couldn’t breathe properly. Fuck. The door was opening. A servant? Somehow Beau managed to get out her name through the bile trying to claw its way up the back of her throat and the servant’s eyes went wide before ushering them in and running to summon her mother. This house. This house was too small, the walls were closing in, threatening to trap Beauregard inside, to crush her back into that tiny box her father had built just for her. And her mother was coming down the stairs and then she was hugging her like nothing was wrong. Her brother was there. She has a brother. The only Lionett innocent in all of this. 

She didn’t know how she made it through the conversation with her father. Had Yasha threatened to eat T.J.? Beau loved her a little more for that. And then Jessie was telling Beau that her father was telling the truth and that he really had loved her from the day she was born and it was too much. If her father wasn’t lying then that meant that Beau was wrong, Beau was the one at fault then, just like her father had always insisted. Jester was lucky. Her dad hadn’t been around to destroy her self esteem, to make her feel like she was unworthy of love, care, and empathy. It’s easier to recover from trauma that was only inflicted indirectly and unintentionally. The Gentleman had neglected his daughter because he didn’t know she existed. Thoreau had chosen to neglect his. 

If she could just get out of that fucking house then she would be okay. She never needed to go back. Fuck her father for being an asshole and her mother for being a doormat and fuck T.J. for getting Beau’s life. The one she should have had, anyway. The one with parents who loved her unconditionally and weren’t disappointed in her existence from the moment she was born without a dick. Most of the Nein had been pretty quiet in the Lionett residence, with the exception of Jester and Fjord, really. But on the way out Beau noticed Yasha hanging back behind the rest of the party. Beau’s blood was rushing through her head too loudly for her to hear most of what Yasha was saying, but she could tell from her and Thoreau’s body language that it had probably been a somewhat veiled threat. Thinking about it later, Beau realized, that might actually have been the first time someone stood up to her father on her behalf. She wasn’t sure what that made her feel, but it wasn’t nothing. 

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Beau just had to put Kamordah behind her, they just had to deal with this fucking hag bullshit and then Beau could never think about her goddamn father and his stupid fucking deal ever again. The road to the hag was both too long and not long enough. Beau wanted this to be over, but her emotions were still bleeding out all over the place, she wasn’t ready for a confrontation like this. Not after Kamordah. And the hag wanted misery? Beau could give her misery. That was the only thing she had ever been good at. Being fucking miserable. And if it meant that her friends got to be safe? Well that was a price she could pay. After all, eventually this would end anyway. Eventually it would just be Beauregard, alone, with no one and nothing to make her feel like she mattered. She was ready. But Jester was running out of the hut and telling them all to run, and that wasn’t right. No, Jester wasn’t allowed to be miserable, of all the Nein, not her. Beau would walk right into the hut and pay the hag’s price herself, but not Jester. 

They were looking at her like she was crazy. And Jester was telling her that if she had left they all would have been miserable, and that was everything she had ever wanted to hear but for some reason right now that wasn’t enough. She was pretty sure this was shock? Was this what shock felt like? Suddenly being detached from yourself? Maybe? Was this really happening? And then Yasha was putting a gentle hand on Beau’s shoulder, gently anchoring her to Exandria and coaxing her from her panic attack, 

“I just got back to you, I can’t lose you now.” Beau loved her a little more for that too. 

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Jester hadn’t made a deal? She had, but she hadn’t. Beauregard didn’t understand. The hag had just agreed to do away with Nott’s curse for a cupcake? She had wanted Beau to give up the only happiness she had ever had in life, but all Jester had to give up was a fucking cupcake? Was her life less valuable than a baked good? It seemed the hag thought so. No that couldn’t be right something else had to have happened in there. A spell? That made more sense, a spell to make the hag think she and Jester were such good friends that the curse on Nott was less important than their friendship. That sounded like something Jess would do. That night resting on the tiny piece of land above the swamp water, Beau could have sworn that every time she glanced around the dome she nearly caught mismatched eyes staring back, making sure she was still with them. 

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And then they were headed into the jungle to find Caduceus’ family, and meeting the Traveler? Beau kind of wanted to hit him in the face. Kind of wanted to hit anything in the face, if she was honest with herself. Training with Fjord was better than nothing, but she needed to let go in a way that she wasn’t willing to unleash on the half-orc. And the Traveler was just some dude, not even a god, who had been stringing Jess along all this time. Beau wanted to hit him. How could he be so selfish? Didn’t he realize how much it would hurt her to find out that the person she had been worshipping basically her entire fucking life was nothing but a fraud? He should have dealt with the mess he made himself and left them the fuck out of it. Jester wasn’t going to say no, of course, but Beau wasn’t planning to let her get hurt. Even if it meant she had to throw down with a “god”.

They had saved the Clays. That was good. That helped. Beauregard still had a purpose. Maybe she wasn’t a good daughter, or a good friend, or a good person, but she was a good fucking fighter. Always had been. Getting the chance to throw down with that bull fucko to rescue Cad’s family was exactly what she needed to relieve some of the tension she’d been carrying around since their visit to Kamordah. They got to head home, and maybe seeing a family get put back together, albeit a little more literally than they’d been hoping for, healed something in Beauregard that her own family would never be able to. She could do good. She could make places and people a little better for being there, even if she could never make herself better. Just like Molly had.

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Nicodranas was always nice. Something about the ocean. It always made Beau feel small, but in a comforting way. The constant roaring of the waves creating a white noise that made it so easy to get lost in meditation and forget about anything else. Until the first twang of a harp string floated on the sea breeze to her ears. Beau opened her eyes and could just make out the form of Yasha a bit further down the beach, harp out and eyes closed. Beauregard was pretty sure she wasn’t aware of her presence. Maybe she’d been wrong before. Maybe Yasha in battle wasn’t the hottest version of Yasha. This Yasha, with closed eyes and a soft smile, playing a harp made of bone on the beach as if she hadn’t suffered more than the rest of the Nein combined might be the most attractive thing Beauregard had ever been granted permission to see. 

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Fjord and Orly had gone down. Uk’otoa’s minions had nearly been successful. Beau shivered a bit in the sea air. They needed to keep Fjord safe. He was an integral part of the team, and he was important to Beau. He was the first person who had ever really believed in her, had given her some authority as his first mate. They’d had enough diamonds to bring them back. Thankfully Caduceus and Jester were pretty damn good clerics, but it was closer than Beau ever wanted to get to losing a friend again. She reached up and absentmindedly touched the image of the all seeing eye, tattooed shimmering and green into the back of her neck. Never again. Beau would go down first. 

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Rumblecusp was a weird ass island. Too much jungle, too many bugs, too many weird ass villagers who don’t remember anything outside of this place and their weird ass “god”, Vokodo. Beau was pretty sure he wasn’t a god at all, just an asshole taking peoples money, memories, and lives. Veridian was alright though, just fucking weird, like all the villagers on this island. Beau wasn’t sure she trusted her entirely, but they needed to meet this fire god and find out what he was and what he wanted. When they finally did Beau knew, they were going to have to kill this thing. What the fuck gave him the right to be so greedy. They were willing to give him stuff to be allowed to have Travelercon here, but he had taken it too far. She wasn’t as rash as she had once been though. At dawn, they planned. 

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Beauregard didn’t appreciate Veth and Veridian’s attitude about punching ghosts first and asking questions later. Maybe they’d feel a little different if they’d been the ones who had their fucking life force sucked out by a ghost instantaneously just a day before. The only good thing to come from the caring and helpfulness she’d tried to show to that thing had been getting carried by Yasha. Beau had always been a sucker for a woman who could throw her around like a ragdoll if she wanted to. And what had Yasha meant by what she had said to Fjord? Why was it a competition to see who could heal Beau more? And Jester had given her a thumbs up when Yasha was carrying her? Did that mean she thought Beau wanted to be with Yasha and not her? Beau honestly wasn’t sure anymore. Could you have a crush on two people at the same time? Ugh she decided feelings were too fucking confusing. She felt bad for Yasha though. They needed to do something about getting her some gear or a tattoo to make her mind harder to control. Gods know she’d been through enough of that for multiple lifetimes already.

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Jester’s plan about the dragon turtle had been inspired. That would have been so damn cool. Dragon turtle vs. Vokodo kaiju battle? Sick. Too bad it didn’t work. Beau guessed they were just going to have to handle this on their own. At least now they have Vilya, the druid formerly known as Veridian, at their back. They’d probably need all the help they could get for this one. 

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Beau knew it was gonna be bad as soon as Yasha got hypnotized before she could even pull out Magician’s Judge. That meant she was the only brawler, and this motherfucker was too hot. Beau kept hitting anyway, through the pain, through her knuckles blistering, burning, skin falling away, kept hitting until Vokodo vanished from existence, back to the Astral Plane. They waited, Jester concentrating as hard as she could, the rest of the Nein protecting her from any threats that might pop up, Caduceus throwing around healing spells to keep them all up in the boiling cauldron that the underwater cavern had become. After nearly a minute they decided to bring him back. Beau would be lying if she said she hadn’t been panicking a bit. She was nearly down, didn’t have much left to fight with, but he reappeared and she was going to keep hitting until one of them went down for real. And finally, Vokodo disintegrated into dust at the hand of Caleb’s spell, showing them all a vision of the floating city from which he had been fleeing. 

Beau was going to go down. She couldn’t stand up for long enough to get out of this cavern. As soon as she made it known, Yasha appeared at her side, hand on her lower back, holding her up and letting her healing magic seep into Beauregard’s pores. A couple moments later a second spell, this one from Caduceus, washed over her, bringing her back to the point where she felt like she might make it after all. Yasha drifted away from her to help loot and clear a path through the torchbloom, but was that a brief caress as she pulled her hand away? No, definitely not. Yasha was still in love with Zuala, her wife. There was no way she could have feelings for Beau. Nah, not her. If the only person Yasha had ever been with was Zuala, Beau couldn’t be anything but a disappointment to her. She could punch a ghost, maybe, but she couldn’t hold up to one.

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They had collected as much loot as they felt comfortable to risk before fleeing the superheated waterway. After only a small lapse in Caleb’s navigational skills resulting in a shark based snafu they found their way back to the hidden cave containing the ships. As soon as the others admitted they didn’t have any spells to deal with the water Beau knew exactly what she wanted to do. She grinned at the rest of the Nein before yeeting herself backward into the reversed waterfall and getting rocketed to the top of the mountain. What a rush. The adrenaline was probably the only thing that gave her the courage to recklessly yell, “Yasha! Catch me!” before plummeting over the edge. She hadn’t actually thought she’d do it. Surely none in the party but Beauregard could survive the damage of a fall from that height. But then suddenly, Beauregard was surrounded by strong arms and feathered wings. Wait. Feathered wings?

She looked up into Yasha’s face as she took off, still holding Beau in her arms, not that Beau was complaining, not at all. She’d be lying to herself if she said she didn’t love every second of it, all 60 of them before they began to fall. Beau didn’t have much time to think before pulling them both in the direction of the deepest pool she could see, but all of the thoughts she did have were about how smoothly she and Yasha moved together. How easy it was to land in a pool after falling 90 feet, both taking only minimal damage. Falling from that height shouldn’t have been that easy. As Beauregard looks at Yasha, both giggling from their misadventure and still clutching one another she thought maybe that’s not the only kind of falling that should have been harder. Falling in love probably should have been harder too. 

Oh. Fuck. Oh FUCK. 

Yasha is talking to her, asking if she’s okay and Beau is so caught off guard by her own realization all she can do is fumble out “Great. Good. Yeah. Better. Long time good. Good long time.” She knows she only gets redder when Yasha just repeats it after her. “That was incredible. You’re incredible.” Now it’s Yasha’s turn to blush and stammer out a response. How had she not realized sooner? How had she ever thought that the way she felt about Jessie was anything like this. Beau couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t look anywhere except at Yasha. 

Yeah falling should have been a hell of a lot harder.


End file.
